Email#1: Homestar Twin
Email#2: Butt-Grabber
Email#3: No Arms
Email#4: Bites
Email#5: Homsay
Email#6: Vocabulary Contest
Email#7: Something
Email#8: E-bayl
Email#9: Decoding Prize
Email#10: Bridge


Homeschool: I fathom that email is the most delicate of practices. One which must be treasured by our citizens.

Dear Wierdo (that's you),
How are you related to Homstar?.

Strongrad

Homeschool: Perceivable or not, Sir Strongrad, I exist soley as Mr. Runner's twin brother. The source of my differing surname from this red-skirted dunderhead is apparently my parents' inevidable surprise as to how much more intelligent and less athletic I was and am than my astonishing brother. Oh, and in closing, I would like to point out that although I have full knowledge as to who you were referring to, it would show my less evolved brother more respect to abide by the correct spelling of his moniker when composing it by computer.
Homestar: (enters room) Hey, Homeschool, why awe you hitting the checkew boawd?
Homeschool: Oh, my silly inane sibling, this is but a computer keyboard and it fails to be a checker board as you have informed me it is.
Homestar: Um........do you like pancakes?
Homeschool: Affirmative. I am quite fond of them in fact.
Homestar: OH COME ON!! Just say yes ow no! I can't undewstand you!!
Homeschool: Well, my good fellow, that is the purpose for which dictionaries were invented, is it not?
Homestar: Oh...that's what dictionawies awe fow? I thought they wewe fow eating half of and then sticking in Stwong Bad's toastew.

Homeschool: Everything in the universe can be broken down into Email.

Dear Homeschool,

Who's that chic you were standing next to in Dancing Bubs?

Ace101

Homeschool: My dear Ace101, though I commend you for taking the time to email, I must inquire, THERE'S A CHICK STANDING NEXT TO ME? I remember nothing of the sort. (goes to the Dancin' Bubs game on his computer.)
Homeschool: By George! There is a girl posed to my right in this digitalized portrait! Woah....exuse my commonplace language, but, uh...she's freaky-lookin'! I haven't the foggiest idea who she is. Unless......Oh! Now I remember! That night at the dance stadium, I felt the most peculiar tingle around the area of my buttocks. She must've been....and I quote my twin brother, "a-gwabbin' my butt"!!! Why, I have never been so embarassed in all of my years! And how did she do it when she has no arms??!! My, my, if I were to ever encounter her in later years I would give her a good talking-to about respecting people's bodies.
Homestar(walking in the room): I wemembew that giwl. I was wondewing why she was looking so happily in Bubs' diwection. I knew it couldn't have been him, he was like, just floppin' all ovew the place...
Homeschool(looking sickened): Oh....If you'll exuse me, I must go shower. (leaves)
Homestar: Hee hee. He has to wash his butt.
Homeschool: This is going to be a good one. I can tell.

Dear Mr Winner,
How do you type if you have no arms?
-[IDENTITY CENSORED]

Homeschool: I can see why your identity was censored, for if I knew it, I'd kick you in your unoriginal little behind. DELETED!

Homeschool: Email enriches your mind.

Dear the smarter version of Homestar Runner,

If you and Homestar are identical twins, why aren't you alike in every way? Adding on to the first question, why do you have an overbite when you brother has an underbite?

Your pal,
Ingiald the Ill Ruler

Homeschool: First of all, I must ask why you would want to rule the ill. Isn't that so gross?? OK, now for your questions. Homestar Runner and I are not identical twins but fraternal twins, simply two babies born at once. It's actually a very interesting story about how we acquired our odd chin formations. While we were in the womb of our mother, we were scrunched up together. So much so that our faces developed as puzzle-pieces of each other. Because I had an overbite and he had an underbite, we fit together like a key in a lock. But in doing so, it appeared as though we were kissing. Ew! Ew! Ew! I can't be---wait. I've got to say ew again: EW!! I can't believe the intriguing ways of nature.

Homeschool: Email = MC^2

Dear Homeschool,

Is that girl standing next to you in Dancin Bubs Homsar's twin? Cause I call her Homsay. If i asked this to Homsar, he would probably talk about the percentage of corngrowth in alabama being his mother.

Your fan,
Strongrad

Homeschool: Ah, it is my old friend Strongrad who now has apparently two pseudonames pertaining to me. What delightful flattery! Anyway, Homsar's twin be that perverted girl? I am not sure, but it seems possible considering that they are shaped and dressed similarly. I do not know how I would find this out, though, because one of them I don't know and the other couldn't speak a sane sentence to save his life! I---
Homsay: Hello, hotcakes.
Homeschool: WHAT??!! It's you!! The girl from the dance arena!
Homsay: Oh my gosh!! You recognize me??!!! Hold on, I have to write that down in my portable diary.(gets a diary out and writes in it.)
Homeschool: Oh, well. While you're here I must inquire of you two things.
Homsay: Lay it on me, sweetcheeks.
Homeschool: OK. Number one, WHY THE CRAP WERE YOU GRABBING MY BUTT AT THE ARENA?? And number two, are you related to Homsar?
Homsay: Homsar? I've never heard of anyone named Homsar. Except of course, my great great grampa, but he died long ago from being crushed by a heavy lourde. At least I think he did....
(Homsar comes waddling in)
Homsar: AaAaAaAaAa!!! I'm the bucket to spill your dreams!!
Homsay: GRAMPA?? YOU'RE ALIVE??
Homeschool: Oh, how wonderful is this? You're Grandfather is here with you after all!
Homsay: Wonderful?? This is crap!! I hate that guy! He's so freakin' annoying! Dang, I really thought he was dead, too!
Homsar: Don't open a can without a osolating fan.
Homsay: Oh man! Now I'm not in a good mood any more! I'm getting out of here!
Homeschool: Wait! You still didn't tell me why you grabbed my butt!
(long pause.)
Homsar: AaAaAaAaAa! It's just me and the question mark now!
Homeschool: Hey! Who are you calling a question mark?!


Dear Homeschool,

First off, I would like to say that my name means that I ruled with an iron fist over the people of Sweden. Secondly, I would like to ask why you have a speech bubble on your shirt.

Your fan,
Igiald the Ill Ruler (over Sweden)

Homeschool: Ah, the ruler of Sweden. Now this makes sense. Alright, so your question. The speech bubble on my shirt signifies what a talented speaker I am. I always use an advanced vocabulary when conversing, even during commonplace chats. When I was in high school, I won the award for vocabulary. (screen fades to a flashback of high school, and the vocabulary contest. Homeschool, Homestar, Strong Bad and Strong Sad are lined up on a stage. The announcer is there.)
Announcer: Alright. I'm going to ask each of you to say a word. The first word that comes to your mind. Go!
Strong Sad: Death.
Strong Bad: Crap!
Homestar: Bacon!
Homeschool: Centripetal force.
Announcer: Alright! Homeschool wins this round! Now, for the last round, each of you complete this sentence with a word you feel fits the most. "Last evening, I was _____ing around the dust-bitten attic.
Strong Sad: Dying.
Strong Bad: Crapping!
Homestar: Baconing! (Everyone looks at him weirdly.)
Homestar: Well, you guys wewe using the same ones!
Homeschool: inconspicuously sneaking
Announcer: And the competition is complete! Homeschool Winner is the....well...you know...winner. Here is his prize! (Announcer hands Homeschool a blue shirt with a speech bubble on it.)
Strong Bad: Like I would have wanted that piece of crap anyways!
(screen fades back to the present time.)
Homeschool: So, that's why I own this luxurious shirt.
(Homestar comes galloping in.)
Homestar: Hey! If you get to tell how you got youw shiwt, can I tell how I got mine?
Homeschool: Well, I would reply yes, except, I'm not sure if you even know.
(Homestar stands with his mouth open, about to argue, but then just says:
Homestar: Good point!
Homeschool: My emailers are so intelligent.

Dear Homeschool, I have 2 questions 4 u:
1.What did u wear b 4 u won the vocabulary contest?
2. If you're so mad at Homsay, y don't u kill her?

[IDENTITY CENSORED]

Homeschool: OK, I take that back. My emailers are prone to use letters and numbers that sound like words in the English language in the place of the words themselves! Oh, what has society come to?? Alright, I'll answer your questions. What did I wear before the vocabulary contest? Well, that's the lucky thing about the contest. Before that, the only piece of clothing I owned was a swimsuit with the words, "#1 in butts" written on the front. And I had to take it off for the vocabulary contest because it had words on the front, and therefore could be used to cheat! While the vocabulary contest was occurring, I had to don rolls of toilet paper. Lovely isn't it? OK, now onto your second question. Even though Homsay agravates me beyond reason, I could never kill her.
Homsay(walks in the room): Honey!! I made your favourite! Fried soda coasters! (Holds up a plate full of fried soda coasters.) No? OK, I'll get to work on some baked thesauruses instead!
Homeschool: OK. Maybe I'm not too sure about my answer for your second question. Either way, I would like to fully correct your email:

Dear Homeschool,
I have 2 questions for you:
1.What did you wear before you won the vocabulary contest?
2. If you're so mad at Homsay, why don't you kill her?

[IDENTITY CENSORED]
Homeschool: Wait. It's not fully corrected.

Dear Homeschool,
I have 2 questions for you:
1.What did you wear before you won the vocabulary contest?
2. If you're so mad at Homsay, why don't you kill her?
3. Here's a million bucks.

Homeschool: Hello folks. Sadly, today's email is not going to be answered. i'm going to try to sell it to my friends on e-bay.

d(@ hsw
what up dawg u rock ur r teh most usomest thing evr OOPS I PREST CAPS LOK but how cum i nevr c u?
ur pal jodawg

Homeschool: Oh, blast! I'll never be able to sell this piece of of stupid crap! Look at this!! Look it this! They accidentally pressed caps lock and had to tell me about it?? They can't WRITE OUT THE FREAKIN' WORDS AND ALWAYS USE LETTERS THAT SOUND LIKE THEM!!!!!!!!! OH.....sorry. Ah, it felt good to let that out. Well, I'm gonna have to figure out some way to sell this.
(Logs onto e-bay, puts his email up for sale. Under item description, it reads:
This is an email that anyone in the right mind would want to answer! Because it is so primitively written, it requires the analysis of the reader! That makes it a WHOLE LOT OF FUN!!! Or maybe it just makes me a total nerd.....either way! BUY THIS EMAIL!!
Homeschool: Alright. Let's see, time to get some bidders.... (looks at bidder list)
NO CURRENT BIDDERS
Homeschool: (sounding angry) Time to get some bidders. (looks at bidder list)
STILL NO CURRENT BIDDERS
Homeschool: TIME TO GET SOME FREAKIN' BIDDERS!!! (looks at bidder list)
JUST FORGET IT LOSER NO ONE WANTS TO BUY YOUR CRAP
Homeschool: Oh.....it's no use.....they'll never buy my email...(screen zooms in on bidder list)
depressio11117 - $13,000.00
Homeschool: Oh. Wow. This guy must be desperate. (list changes)
depressio11117 - $13,000.00
hooraydolphins143 - $600,000.00
Homeschool: Jeez. She must be saying hooray for dolphins cuz they pay her so much!
depressio11117 - $13,000.00
hooraydolphins143 - $600,000.00
holycrapinator55 - one million pencil shavings
message from hooraydolphins143: Ooh SB is thatcho new scrn name ^_^
message from holycrapinator55: No, I'm Safety Dan. Get off my butt, you crap-for-crap stalker >:P
Homeschool: Alright, I'm just gonna sell it to dolphin-lady.
(types on screen) sold to hooraydolphins143.
message from hooraydolphins143: Yes I win sorry i beatchu SB <:(
message from holycrapinator55: I'm sorry I got on this freakin' website.
message from depressio11117: I'm doomed. That would have been the only email I've ever received.
message from holycrapinator55: Oh shut up dumpface!

Homeschool: Well, it is intensely wonderful that I have just earned 600,000 dollars. I'm going to use it to buy a metal cage, ducktape, and rope. Homestar's gotten far too much on my nerves lately.

Homeschool: Email is like a vacuum cleaner. It SUCKS.

Dear Homeschool,

You seem like an intelligent person. In fact, you rock! You are the most awesome thing ever! But can you understand Chatese? If so, please decifer the below message in the thickest chatese I can find:

d(@ hsw lol
u lol rOk lol ur lol r lol tEh lol !mOsT lol !uSoMeSt lol !tInG lol eVr lol 4 lol eVr lol i lol <3 lol u lol LOL OOPS LOL I LOL PREST LOL CAPS LOL LOK LOL bUt hOw cOmE i nEvr c u nOw i fOrGoT wHy i sEnT tHiS eMaIl oH wElL lol lol lol lol lol lol
ur pal jodawg lol lol lol (Homeschool: If I see one more lol again in my life, I'll jump off a bridge.)

If you can decipher this, I will give you a gaurantee that Homestar will never bug you again. He will dissapear for 7 months and by the time he returns, he will be smart. How do you like that?

Your fan,
Ingiald the Ill Ruler (over Sweden)

Homeschool: Well, to the best of my ability, this "chatese" email can be deciphered as the following regular English message:

Dear Homeschool Winner,
I am stupid and can't write. Here's a lifetime supply of caviar.
Sincerely,
Someone dumb

Homeschool: Yes, that's about it. Sadly, I don't believe your claim about my obnoxious twin brother. The day he is smart is the day my pants drop in public.

Homestar (enters room): Hello, good Homeschool. How are you on this luxurious span of 24 hours? I shall be mingling at Marshmallow's Last Stand tonight if you have any intentions of joining me in this lovely gathering.

Homeschool: And sure enough, my pants dropped off my legs earlier today in Wegman's.
Homeschool: I'm beginning to despise email.

D(@ hsw
lol lol lol lol lol lol lol lol
ur fan, Lol

Homeschool: OK. I meant what I have spoken. One more "lol", and it's plummeting of a bay bridge for me.
(Screen fades to scene with a bridge over a lake. Homechool is walking over, about to jump.)
Homeschool: Farewell, my comrads! I shall be going now! (Voice in the background shouts, "Yay!")
(Homeschool closes his eyes and jumps. When he hits the water, he bounces back up to the bridge as if the water were trampeline. Homestar is standing on the bridge watching him bounce up.)
Homestar: Woah. Look at that blue duck.
(Homeschool lands on the bridge.)
Homeschool: What? What on Earth was that?
Homestar: Oh, you didn't know? I had a twampeline that looks like watew set up down thewe. Pwetty cool, huh?
Homeschool: No!
Homestar: Oh, sowwy. I guess I have to put mowe ice on it then.
Homeschool: No, not THAT kind of cool!
Homestar: Oh you mean the "I'm so cool, you don't even know I'm cool" kind of cool?
Homeschool: Oh.......... (walks away.)
Homestar: And wemembew, kids, it's not smawt to jump off a bwidge unless I tell you that it's just a twampeline that looks like watew. Ow unless you'we someone weally annoying.
Strong Bad: Well then, that would make it OK for you to jump!
Dear Mr. Winner:
Do you prefer Jacobi or Weierstrass elliptic functions? I prefer the Weierstrass kinds myself, but that's just me.
--William S.
Hey homeschool!
What would u be like in a video game?
From Nelson339
Dear Homeschool Winner, You are a prime champion in citizenship, attendence, handwriting, and grades. Your IQ is
higher than the Empire State Building. I, Having an underbite, bad at most sports, and good grades and know when-- unlike most people, to respect and salute you. I wish you would answer this e-mail but estimation charts show you probably won't. It's okay. You have the right to be 3.14 times better, smarter, and more understanding than me.
Saluting You, Yes, You, Homeschool Winner, Dead Links 2.0


Dear Homeschool Winner,

You're really cool. Tell me about your parents.

Love,

Bri