The Essay on Grammatical Correctness

A Children's Book by Matt and Craig (actual story courtesy of Jweb Guru)


Evry1 <3s teh Homstar Runer. Hez a terifik atlete.

"Hold it," the better-educated among us are saying. "What WAS that?" Well, that was apparently English. But not any ordinary English - it is English symbolic of the lurking horrors inherent to the online world today.

Here are a few examples of mistakes that are very commonly made:

  1. u
    There is no 'u'. 'U' is a letter of the English alphabet, not a pronoun. The pronoun you are here thinking of is probably you, as in, "You are an evil, evil man, and a grammatical fascist."
  2. r
    The same goes for 'r' as goes for 'u'. It's a letter, not a form of the verb 'to be'. The one you are thinking of is are, which sounds the same but is spelled differently. I'm sure you are aware of what I am referring to here.
  3. your and you're
    This is one of the most frustrating things I see online. Okay, people...
    • Your is possessive. E.g. "Is that your flannel?"
    • You're is a contraction meaning "you are". E.g. "You're British, right?"
  4. There, their, and they're
    Along the same lines, there is a difference between there, their, and they're.
    1. Their is the possesive of they. It is not interchangeable with any other form of the same homonym.
      • Ex.: Pom Pom and Homestar are taking their dates to dinner.
      • Also, try not to use their when his or his or her is necessary. e.g. "Anyone who didn't like the 100th email is out of their mind." say instead: "Anyone who didn't like the 100th email is out of his or her mind."
    2. There; you know... like not here, but _____. It is not interchangeable with any other form.
      • Ex.: Put the melonade over there, where they're setting up for the luau.
    3. They're is the contraction short for they are. It is not inerchangeable with any other form of the word.
      • Ex.: They're going to have a tough time covering up this one.
  5. Its and it's
    Another frustrating thing. Listen, kids...
    • Its is possessive. E.g. "Whether it's dead or not is its own business.
    • It's is a contraction meaning "it is". E.g. "It's really cold outside, for spring."
  6. The superfluous 'z'
    Do you know how many words ACTUALLY end in Z? I don't know any that do, offhand (Edited: After thinking for awhile, I realized there are a number. Examples include blitz, fritz and ditz. However, my point remains largely the same). Please cease in your laughable efforts to place a Z at the end of words that do not require it, which in English would tend to be most words.
  7. LoL
    Laugh out loud? Lots of laughs? I don't care what you think it means, it and every one of its derivatives are incorrect grammar and have no reason to appear in comments. I shouldn't have to say this, but the use of it has become something of a fad.
  8. Capitalization in general
    Okay, sewiously, you guys. Words should be capitalized only in the following situations that you are likely to encounter in the course of this Wiki:
    1. At the beginning of a sentence, the first letter is always capitalized. For example, "When I saw the way people disregarded capitalization online, I began to cry.
    2. When using the pronoun I. E.g.: "It was a cold, gloomy day, and I noticed the way that the hurricane swept around my ankles and reduced them to bone.
    3. When stating a proper noun; that is, a name. Example: Jweb Guru, The Cheat, and The Stick were all chilling when Song About Sibbie came onto the radio.
    4. When stating titles, capitalize: nouns that are not prepositions or articles, unless they are the first or last words, or the article / preposition is part of the name of the thing (I'm here thinking of The Cheat). E.g. "It Was a Beautiful Day"
    5. Finally, as was pointed out to me by the Princess of StrongBadia, capitalization can be done for emphasis. However, this is to be frowned on except when used in formatting. Example: "I like cheese, but I LOVE The Cheat!
  9. Whose vs Who's
    Who's is the contraction; short for Who is or maybe Who has. Whose is the possessive form of who. For Example:
    • Correct: Whose hat is that?
      • Incorrect: I don't know who's hat that is.
    • Correct: Who's got the reddest radish?
      • Incorrect: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, whose the greatest of them all?
  10. Punctuation


The Essay on Grammatical Correctness Comments