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Features: Marzipan, Strong Bad, The King of Town, Kevin, Homestar Runner

Marzipan's Greeting:

MARZIPAN: Hi, this is Marzipan. I'm sittin' in my dark room... thinking. Please leave me message. {beep}

Message 5:

STRONG BAD: Oh, yes. Hello, Marzipan. This is your doctor, Dr. Professional. And I, uh, your results have come back from the lab, and I'm afraid I have some bad news. Um, you've been diagnosed with serious problems. I mean, these are really serious, man... and I only give you a couple of weeks, sadly. Um, so it's hard to break this news to you, but if I were you, I would start giving your stuff away to people, um, like maybe put your stereo out on the sidewalk right now, and then go back inside and.. and look for some other stuff that, um, maybe I might, I mean, people might want to have. Ok. Hope you had a good life.

Message 4:

THE KING OF TOWN: Ooh! Hey, Marzipan. It's the King. Um, I wanted to talk to you because I've been noticing recently that I... I'm not very cool and nobody really likes me. Um, so I thought maybe you could give me some pointers or put in a good word for me with the guys. You know, I mean I like the same bands as you guys and... or maybe you could... I could get them something like you could tell me what kind of video games they like or something like... I'm getting kind of desperate and lonely. Ok, Bye!

Message 3:

KEVIN SCOTT: Hey, Marzipan. This is Kevin. Uh, we were just calling.. a bunch of us are over here... just seeing what you were doing tonight. Um, give us a call back. A'ight.

Message 2:

STRONG BAD: Uh.. hey, Marzipan. This is Strong Bad. Um, I was wondering if you could help me with a dillemma I have. Uh, I don't know what to get for my GIRLFRIEND for Valentines Day. Um, you know, my girlfriend.. who, uh, lives up in the other country, um, that you've never met, and you'll probably never meet her. But, uh, She's really REAL, you know... so I'm trying to think of what to get her... like chocolates or flowers or something, you know, real.. the type of thing that you give to a real person that exists. Um.. so, you know, any ideas you have, 'cause my girlfriend really likes presents from me, her real boyfriend. Uh... OK! Gimme a call.

Message 1:

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Oh, hey, Marzipan! This is Homestar. Um, I was wondering if you could help me with a dillemma I'm having. I can't think of what to get my girlfiend for Valentines Day. Um, she's kind of annoying, and overbearing, and kind of a big hippie. So if you could... buh.. Oh... dooo doOO DOOO! The number you have reached is not... your boyfriend calling you.. uh, right now. Doooooo do do do do dooooooo this is the dial tone doooooooooooooo. OK, bye!