The Interview with the Reporter


Following the Brothers' success with everything else, it was decided that the Reporter might like to ask them... about... it. So he did. These are the results.


THE BROTHERS E: Hello.

REPORTER: Hello, Brothers! How are you today?

THE BROTHERS E: We are doing just well.

REPORTER: {Writes this down in a little notebook} Hey, aren't you only one Brother? Tell us about that.

THE BROTHERS E: Well, there was a time...

REPORTER: {Yawns conspicuously} Do go on, this is most interesting.

THE BROTHERS E: When we were more than one… {Pauses. Defiantly} Yeah, can you believe it?

REPORTER: No, not really. But okay! {Writes down, 'Has multiple personality disorder'}

THE BROTHERS E: Well, it all started in August of '83…when we were playing poker with myself...

REPORTER: Oh. Did it? What is 'it' exactly? I notice nobody else has addressed this question.

THE BROTHERS E: "IT" is the one that defnes us. It is also a great spller.

REPORTER: You mean speller.

THE BROTHERS E: Rihgt.

REPORTER: {Writes down, 'Right.'}

THE BROTHERS E: So, aren't you supposed to be asking me about my wonderful past or something?

REPORTER: Wait, you have a wonderful past? {Blinks in confusion} Nobody said anything about your having a wonderful past…

THE BROTHERS E: Of course.

REPORTER: Ah. What was your wonderful past like? Was it extraordinarily wonderful?

THE BROTHERS E: Well, it wasn't really so "wonderful" as it was… um…

{There is a long silence}

REPORTER: As it was...

THE BROTHERS E: Kind of… boring.

REPORTER: Oh. Well, that's wonderful, in its own way! {Writes down, 'Has an inferiority complex'}

THE BROTHERS E: Well, that's what I told them that I signed up for the gig on David Leno.

REPORTER: Ohhhhh. Who were 'they' again?

THE BROTHERS E: They do grammar good.

REPORTER: That's goodly.

THE BROTHERS E: {Nods in understanding}

REPORTER: Um, incidentally, would you mind lying down on that leather couch over there?

THE BROTHERS E: No, sir. {Lie down on the couch}

REPORTER: {pressingly} But who? Who in heaven's name are 'they'?

THE BROTHERS E: I can't say much here, as I don't want to reveal any secrets…

REPORTER: Oh, don't worry; your patient's confidentiality is strictly obeyed.

THE BROTHERS E: …But I can tell you that there will be a great surprise twist at the end. Something I don't think anyone will suspect.

REPORTER: End of what? End of your life? {Interested} Will someone shoot you down with a flying propeller? {Writes down 'Has suicidal tendencies'}

THE BROTHERS E: No. Okay, the secret is...

REPORTER: Hm?

THE BROTHERS E: Bruce Willis is really a ghost for the entire movie!

REPORTER: {Stuttering} Wh-wh-wh…

THE BROTHERS E: That's good, right?

REPORTER: What entire movie? What movie are we talking about?

THE BROTHERS E: Maybe you should lie down.

REPORTER: I'm so confused, and I miss my dad… {Lies down on the couch and wipes his brow} Lemonade?

THE BROTHERS E: Tell us about your dad.

REPORTER: Lemonade?

THE BROTHERS E: Thank you. {Sips lemonade in obvious delight.}

REPORTER: No… I want you to get me lemonade. Don't be ridiculous. I'm the psychiatrist here, after all.

THE BROTHERS E: {Still sipping} Ooh, it's sour.

REPORTER: No, get me the bloody lemonade or I won't say a word about my dad!

THE BROTHERS E: Oh. Want some lemonade?

REPORTER: Sure! Can I have some, please? {Long pause} Hullo? Can I have some, please?

THE BROTHERS E: {Give him lemonade} Now, about your dark and shady past...

REPORTER: Oh. That. Well… I'll need my stuffed comfort object before I answer any questions about that… Wait a second! I already did my interview. You're just an untrained professional! {Writes down, 'Has delusions of grandeur / may effect violence; disorders result directly from an attenuation of the libido complex'}

THE BROTHERS E: Do you play any music? What are your hobbies? Do you ride a bicycle? Who did/where were you on the night of December the 5th? I'm in such a hurry that I'm asking multiple questions at a time!

REPORTER: I play no music, my hobbies are reporting, I ride a bicycle to and from work daily, and I'm not prepared to answer that last one, as I feel that this has gotten entirely too silly.

THE BROTHERS E: Silly? What on earth are you talking about?

REPORTER: This! All of this!

THE BROTHERS E: …Whoa! Did you feel that?

REPORTER: What? Feel what?

THE BROTHERS E: {Menacingly} Ah. So, down to brass tax, then?

REPORTER: I happen to know that you're feeling tremors based on your Oedipus complex! And it's Brass tacks, you silly leg-before-wicket British person.

THE BROTHERS E: I deny every word of it. And any part I don't deny… I deny anyway.

REPORTER: Wow. That's skilled.

THE BROTHERS E: Thank you.

REPORTER: Are you sure you don't want to join my hearty crew?

THE BROTHERS E: You have a hearty crew?

REPORTER: Well... not yet.

THE BROTHERS E: I'd loe to. Um… love. To.

REPORTER: Oh. Right.

THE BROTHERS E: Hehe.

REPORTER: Well, that's great, but I'm afraid we're too exclusive to accept random offers like that. You'd have to be invited. {Checking his watch} Anyway, I'm afraid that's all the time we have for today! So until next week, I'm The Reporter, serving lemonade since 1986!

THE BROTHERS E: I understand… {Sniffs sadly} Bye bye, everybody!

REPORTER: Goodbye, then, sir. We'll have your case history ready in a few days and you should receive it by post by next Tuesday! {Waves a bit and is pulled out of the door by one of those canes}