STRONG BAD: Our next show is a family show. It... is... the email.

{reading}
Dear Strong Bad,
Have you ever thought who will take your place when you retire?

Your friend,
Jeffrey Desterhoft

{typing} You've got a good point there, Jeffy. I suppose I can't keep checking these e-mails forever. I never really thought about finding an heir to my throne before. Come to think of it, what ever happened to my throne? {stops typing, picks up a phone, and talks into it, making a sound like a loudspeaker in a supermarket} Attention The Cheat. Customer needs assistance in e-mail. Customer needs assistance in e-mail. {The Cheat arrives in a blue employee's vest with his name on it} The Cheat, didn't I use to have a throne of some kind?

THE CHEAT: {makes questioning cheat noises and points at the stool}

STRONG BAD: No no no, this is my stool. I'm talking about a throne. You know, it had like... gold nuggets on it, and... a hundred cupholders... some of them velvety cushions. You know, a throne. And I think I had a motorcycle too! See if you can find those.

THE CHEAT: {makes acknowledging noise and heads out}

STRONG BAD: {typing} I guess the best way to find a replacement is to subject a bunch of applicants to the same rigorous screening process that I subjected myself to when I started checking these emails?

{Cut to the field. Strong Bad and Homestar are there.}

I'm gonna hold up a last name, and you make fun of it. Gargleman.

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Crapface.

STRONG BAD: Dumweiner.

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Um, crapface.

STRONG BAD: Butkus.

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Crapface.

STRONG BAD: Crambert.

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Crapface?

STRONG BAD: Desterhoft.

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Let me think about it, {without hesitation} crapface!

STRONG BAD: Whoah! Perfect score!

{Cut to the computer room. Strong Bad and Coach Z are there.}

Let's hear your best... deleted. {presses a button and the Compy displays DELETED on a blue background, making the standard DELETED sound}

COACH Z: DELORTED!

{Compy displays DELORTED on a yellow background and we hear a distorted version of the DELETED sound. Strong Bad is in shock. Cut to the basement with Strong Bad and Bubs and a cardboard box with Strong Sad drawn on it sitting on the couch.}

STRONG BAD: Strong Sad's on the couch, watching TV. What do you do?

BUBS: Kick him in the teeth!

STRONG BAD: That's good, that's good. Even though he might not have any teeth. What else?

BUBS: Kick him in the grill!

STRONG BAD: Yeah yeah! Keep going!

BUBS: Kick you in the grill! {approaches Strong Bad yelling menacingly}

STRONG BAD: {trying to protect himself} No no Bubs, calm down, this is only a drill!

{Cut to Marzipan's house with Strong Bad and Marzipan holding Carol.}

Let's see your best scroll button song.

MARZIPAN: {singing} And that's why I like to scroll with scroll buttons.

STRONG BAD: Oh, right, right, the worst song I ever heard! Play another one!

MARZIPAN: {singing} Scroll buttons are good, they move you up and down...

{Strong Bad gets fed up. Cut to the basement, with Strong Bad, Strong Sad, and the same cardboard box with Strong Sad on it.}

STRONG BAD: Okay, Strong Sad. Strong Sad's on the couch, watching TV. What do you do?

STRONG SAD: Go make him some hummus.

STRONG BAD: Hummus?! No, try something else.

STRONG SAD: Uh... give him a foot massage!

STRONG BAD: {looks at Strong Sad's feet} Those are not feet!

{Cut to the field with Homestar, Strong Bad, and a cardboard box with The Cheat drawn on. Underneath the box, you can see the real The Cheat.}

Now I want you to pretend this is The Cheat, and give him a good, swift, kick in the Cheat!

{Homestar bends one of his legs back, and then pauses.}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Umm... crapface.

{Cut to Strong Bad in front of his computer}

STRONG BAD: Ugh. {typing} This screening process is neither processing nor screening very well. I suppose I should cut to the chase and haul out the big guns...DANCE CONTEST!

{Cut to a stage. We see the top part of Strong Bad's head watching each contestant. First up is Marzipan, who spins her ponytail around while moving her head left and right. Next is Coach Z, who taps his right foot while waving his arms. Then we see Strong Sad simply twitching his fingers, Bubs shaking his arms while jumping up and down, Strong Mad just standing there, yelling...}

STRONG MAD: I'M STRONG MAD! I'M STRONG MAD!!!

{...Homsar shuffling his feet all along the stage, and finally Homestar, lit by a spotlight, singing to what sounds like the tune of "Strangers in the night"}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: {singing} And then I put it on my faaaaace...

{Cut to Strong Bad at his computer}

STRONG BAD: {typing} Uh, this dance contest is neither contesting nor dancing very well. Looks like I'm gonna be checking e-mails and kicking Cheats 'til the day I die. {stops typing} Whoa, that'd make an awesome tattoo. Or an even better epitaph.

{cut to the field at night. We hear crickets chirping, we see a crescent moon. A blank tombstone is on the foreground and as we hear Strong Bad's voice, his words are carved on the slab}

STRONG BAD: {voice-over} Here lies Strong Bad {underneath, in slightly smaller letters} "Checking e-mails and kicking Cheats in the hereafter" {underneath} Buried with his hundred girfriends {underneath} And like, a jillion dollars {underneath, in even smaller letters} Please don't dig up the grave.

{The Paper comes down}