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= The Interview with the Reporter = :Following the Brothers' success with everything else, it was decided that the Reporter might like to ask them... about... it. So he did. These are the results. THE BROTHERS E: Hello. REPORTER: Hello, Brothers! How are you today? THE BROTHERS E: We are doing just well. REPORTER: {Writes this down in a little notebook} Hey, aren't you only one Brother? Tell us about that. THE BROTHERS E: Well, there was a time... REPORTER: {Yawns conspicuously} Do go on, this is most interesting. THE BROTHERS E: When we were more than one… {Pauses. Defiantly} Yeah, can you believe it? REPORTER: No, not really. But okay! {Writes down, 'Has multiple personality disorder'} THE BROTHERS E: Well, it all started in August of '83…when we were playing poker with myself... REPORTER: Oh. Did it? What is 'it' exactly? I notice nobody else has addressed this question. THE BROTHERS E: "IT" is the one that defnes us. It is also a great spller. REPORTER: You mean speller. THE BROTHERS E: Rihgt. REPORTER: {Writes down, 'Right.'} THE BROTHERS E: So, aren't you supposed to be asking me about my wonderful past or something? REPORTER: Wait, you have a wonderful past? {Blinks in confusion} Nobody said anything about your having a wonderful past… THE BROTHERS E: Of course. REPORTER: Ah. What was your wonderful past like? Was it extraordinarily wonderful? THE BROTHERS E: Well, it wasn't really so "wonderful" as it was… um… {There is a long silence} REPORTER: As it was... THE BROTHERS E: Kind of… boring. REPORTER: Oh. Well, that's wonderful, in its own way! {Writes down, 'Has an inferiority complex'} THE BROTHERS E: Well, that's what I told them that I signed up for the gig on David Leno. REPORTER: Ohhhhh. Who were 'they' again? THE BROTHERS E: They do grammar good. REPORTER: That's goodly. THE BROTHERS E: {Nods in understanding} REPORTER: Um, incidentally, would you mind lying down on that leather couch over there? THE BROTHERS E: No, sir. {Lie down on the couch} REPORTER: {pressingly} But who? Who in heaven's name are 'they'? THE BROTHERS E: I can't say much here, as I don't want to reveal any secrets… REPORTER: Oh, don't worry; your patient's confidentiality is strictly obeyed. THE BROTHERS E: …But I can tell you that there will be a great surprise twist at the end. Something I don't think anyone will suspect. REPORTER: End of what? End of your life? {Interested} Will someone shoot you down with a flying propeller? {Writes down 'Has suicidal tendencies'} THE BROTHERS E: No. Okay, the secret is... REPORTER: Hm? THE BROTHERS E: Bruce Willis is really a ghost for the entire movie! REPORTER: {Stuttering} Wh-wh-wh… THE BROTHERS E: That's good, right? REPORTER: What entire movie? What movie are we talking about? THE BROTHERS E: Maybe you should lie down. REPORTER: I'm so confused, and I miss my dad… {Lies down on the couch and wipes his brow} Lemonade? THE BROTHERS E: Tell us about your dad. REPORTER: Lemonade? THE BROTHERS E: Thank you. {Sips lemonade in obvious delight.} REPORTER: No… I want you to get me lemonade. Don't be ridiculous. I'm the psychiatrist here, after all. THE BROTHERS E: {Still sipping} Ooh, it's sour. REPORTER: No, get me the bloody lemonade or I won't say a word about my dad! THE BROTHERS E: Oh. Want some lemonade? REPORTER: Sure! Can I have some, please? {Long pause} Hullo? Can I have some, please? THE BROTHERS E: {Give him lemonade} Now, about your dark and shady past... REPORTER: Oh. That. Well… I'll need my stuffed comfort object before I answer any questions about that… Wait a second! I already did my interview. You're just an untrained professional! {Writes down, 'Has delusions of grandeur / may effect violence; disorders result directly from an attenuation of the libido complex'} THE BROTHERS E: Do you play any music? What are your hobbies? Do you ride a bicycle? Who did/where were you on the night of December the 5th? I'm in such a hurry that I'm asking multiple questions at a time! REPORTER: I play no music, my hobbies are reporting, I ride a bicycle to and from work daily, and I'm not prepared to answer that last one, as I feel that this has gotten entirely too silly. THE BROTHERS E: Silly? What on earth are you talking about? REPORTER: This! All of this! THE BROTHERS E: …Whoa! Did you feel that? REPORTER: What? Feel what? THE BROTHERS E: {Menacingly} Ah. So, down to brass tax, then? REPORTER: I happen to know that you're feeling tremors based on your Oedipus complex! And it's Brass tacks, you silly leg-before-wicket British person. THE BROTHERS E: I deny every word of it. And any part I don't deny… I deny anyway. REPORTER: Wow. That's skilled. THE BROTHERS E: Thank you. REPORTER: Are you sure you don't want to join my hearty crew? THE BROTHERS E: You have a hearty crew? REPORTER: Well... not yet. THE BROTHERS E: I'd loe to. Um… love. To. REPORTER: Oh. Right. THE BROTHERS E: Hehe. REPORTER: Well, that's great, but I'm afraid we're too exclusive to accept random offers like that. You'd have to be invited. {Checking his watch} Anyway, I'm afraid that's all the time we have for today! So until next week, I'm The Reporter, serving lemonade since 1986! THE BROTHERS E: I understand… {Sniffs sadly} Bye bye, everybody! REPORTER: Goodbye, then, sir. We'll have your case history ready in a few days and you should receive it by post by next Tuesday! {Waves a bit and is pulled out of the door by one of those canes} |